Greatest fear

One of my greatest fears is of the unknown, the future, of not being strong enough to tackle the problems that I will encounter.

I have dealt with problems of this sort in the past.  Those life transitions such as right after high school, college, getting that first job.  Any instance where I really had to stretch myself to find something new or start a new life plan.  I just don't want to make a mistake and be trapped.  Although this thought has never occurred it is always present in those first days.  What kills me more than anything is just the anticipation of waiting for that future reality to become a reality.  Overall, it is always much better than the time I spent thinking about and worrying about it.

In a year from now I will already be in my new life and this time period won't have meant a thing.

I meet tons of people just like this throughout the year.  Some successfully transition what I would deem well and others do not.  The people who were successful are the ones who had a game plan and a passion and a determination.

I can turn to my friends and family for help and support.  I can also turn to myself.

An empowering thought would be that I will handle whatever comes my way, I can prepare for the challenges ahead of time, and I am strong enough that whatever situation will not defeat me.

Boardroom

The purpose of this exercise is to think of different parts of your personality/life in a boardroom context.  Who holds the most power in the organization.  What positive and negative roles do they fullfill.  Look at where they live and their actions.  Give them names.

Daydreaming Dan (Emotions, Attitude, inner self)

• spends a lot of time thinking of unrealistic thoughts or threats
• loves both negative and positive emotions
• Has a self destructive bent
• Dwells on the past
• indecisive 
• Sensitive, cares what others think
• Imaginative creative side
• visualize a better future
• in the moment, fun, extroverted
• adventurous
• novelty
• risk taker
• energy passion enthusiasm

Orderly Orpheus (Rules and Order, Intelligence)

• Rigid and rule oriented
• Doesn't like ambiguity
• Doesn't like being different from cultural norms
• cautious, orderly
• Goal oriented
• technical skills
• methodical

H. Robert Smith (Social, value/principle focused)

• Wanting to fix or save everyone
• not focused
• seeks a higher purpose, discernment
• partnership, connection, community
• civic
• generosity, empathy
• synergy
• makes you feel valued appreciated, comfortable

Current Boardroom is 1Daydreaming Dan 2 Orderly Orpheus 3 H Robert Smith

Future Boardroom will be 1 H Robert Smith 2 Daydreaming Dan 3 Orderly Orpheus

Write a letter to your parents

I was listening to a audio program that said that each of us should write a letter to the people that have hurt us the most.  Here is my letter.

Dear Mom and Dad,

I just wanted to say that I forgive you for not giving me everything that I need when I was growing up.   For the times that I pushed you away and I said for you to leave me alone and you did just that.  For the times that you unintentionally allowed my brother to pick on me.  I forgive you for not really looking hard at the warning signs that I was having trouble.  I forgive you for not taking care of me in the best possible way.  I forgive you for teaching me to keep secrets.  For asking me to keep the truth.

I want to thank you for doing the best you could.  I work with a lot of children.  I realize just how frustrating, exhausting and tiresome it is to interact with them.  I find myslef not knowing what to say or what to do.  Or if I am doing everything right.  I find that I am a lot like my parents in both their strengths and weaknesses.  I don't know when I should hold or scold.  Is it dramatic or serious behavior.  As I look back over the time I have spent I see all of the beautiful times I spent together and the times I could have gone further.   I just wanted to forgive you with no animosity or hurt.

I've taken responsibility for my whole life.  All of those desicions were just feedback into how I want to live my life.

Banter Lines

“I’m jealous. If I looked like you, I’d have a new girlfriend every day.”

“What did you ever do to deserve to be that handsome? Nobody deserves that.”

“You must have been good in a previous life to get that face…and I must have been bad.”

“No way you’re forty-three.” Then, add, “Wow! You’re ancient,” which, in context, is a roundabout compliment. Shake your head: “You’re a medical miracle.”

“You must have a picture in your attic that ages while you stay young.”

Or, “You must have sold your soul to the Devil. What’s it like having to do his bidding?”

Say, “You must be taking a human growth hormone or sheep’s glands or something.”

“See?! Just the fact that you would say that shows what good judgment you have!”

“I don’t know why, but being around you always puts me in a good mood.” (The “I don’t know why” makes

the compliment seem unintentional.)

Or, “Being around you always seems to take the edge off my bad mood.”

“When I see you, I somehow just know I’m going to be enjoying myself.

“You have a lot of animal magnetism.”

‘I avoid self-responsibility the most when…’

‘I avoid self-responsibility the most when…’

• I think that I can get away with passing the buck
• when things are uncomfortable.
• When I have no clear plans about what I am going to do next.  
• every expects me to be un-self-reliant
• there are no consequences.  

Reflect on what you’ve written. What does it tell you about yourself?

It tells me that I have to have goals in my life and to put in some consequences to not achieving my goals and dreams.  I need to have valid reasons and determination for going after what I want in life.

Affected your confidence

List some of the factors in your life – including past events, people and situations – which have affected your confidence. In what way did they affect you? Now, without making any judgements, consider how your attitudes and beliefs, fantasies, communication style and actions have created your life. Write down anything that seems relevant. 
In the past, I have had some destructive friends. I thought that I was just like them in many ways. I was supporting them so then I would not have to deal with my own problems. Hopefully by solving their problems I would solve my own. It most definitely was a fantasy.

Bosses and authority figures really shake my confidence. I don't want to seem weak and ill prepared. I don't want to have an opinion that differs from them. I hate to rock the boat. I usually conform rather than rebel. There is security in following. I don't follow a life script that is my own. I make myself aggravated. Even though a lot of times I believe in the goodness of the rules and practices.

An event would be right after graduation where I didn't know what I wanted to do. There was just so many possible directions that I could have taken. I had some fantasies that one day that I would wake up and my new exciting life would just fall into my lap. Every day that it didn't happen; it made me fall a little more into a depression. I got out of it by being goal oriented.

Fight Club

When I was in college, I watched the movie Fight Club for the first time.  One of my friends told me that I was Jack or the narrator and he was Tyler Durden.  Which is kind of sad because in a lot of ways I was just like the narrator.  I was shy and weak.  I was in a dead end job.  I had no passion.  No real life.  The reason that I liked this particular friend was that he was everything that I wanted to be.  He was rude and decisive.  He was larger than life.

Just like the movie, I had to overcome him.  I had to dig deep into myself and find that inner strength to be myself.  I think that pickup is that last stage that started so many years ago in college.  I have been on a constant movement towards being my best self. My true self.